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Misery Deserves Some Respect [13 Aug 2002|02:03pm] [ mood | discontent ] [ music | Linkin Park - In The End ] These days my musings have been running away from me. I've never yet felt such a desire to express my every waking thought through pen and paper, and still the words elude me. I've been told I'm articulate...I must believe it is so. Why then have all my efforts been so fruitless? Grief is a compelling mistress; she has remained a true and unyielding muse. But I yearn to write something more...so, so much more than I have to this point. Sometimes the feeling is easy to ignore, but of late I cannot help but wish I could write what I know is hiding in my mind. Such beautiful things...such sorrowful, beautiful things... Even to myself I cannot describe what it is exactly that I see...but if I should write it...Oh, if I could write... In ten days...A year will have passed. A year that has been the darkest, most misbegotten year of my existence. What do you suppose happens...when you reach a stalemate with yourself? When you know you can't go backwards...but you have no desire to move forwards? I've been feeling that way for most of the summer... So far, I've only met one other person who's understood. Her name is Angie...her father died less than a year before... I see myself in her; sometimes so withdrawn it hurts just to ask why...Other times so full of life and reckless wonder, you'd think she wanted to swallow the world and everything in it. We laugh a lot, sometimes...but other times, like now...It's a dark philosophy..."Fuck all", we call it. Indifference is more frightening than anything I've ever felt before. The lack of emotion...the utter exhaustion... How did I describe it to her? Pictured myself standing there, watching as others crowd around a game...A game whose name I do not know and whose rules I've never read... Imagined them inviting me to play, but there's no room left at the table, and I wouldn't have joined them anyway. So they turned their faces away and left me in solitude. I don't know what prompted me to write this at all. I didn't intend for it to turn out this way, but these are the things I've been trying to explain for weeks on end. And all that happens is that I start repeating myself to my friends...and I can sense the cautious pity I'm given in return. I do not desire pity... I crave understanding and empathy...So far both have been in short supply... 1 comment|post comment

Writer's Block [31 Jul 2002|02:45pm] [ mood | quixotic ] [ music | Linkin Park - Points of Authority ] Writer's block. Can't write, can't stretch the words from my mind to my fingertips. See the poems in my mind draped like ribbons through my memories. Tattered shreds of hope and fear choked by sentence fragments. Bending love and hate through metered hallways marked by Time. Dust thrown into my eyes to hide the images from me. Trust to falling, filled with sound and light and scent I cry to stop but just fall faster, farther than before. Feel the blood in my arteries like the surf on a beach, it sings in my ears a song of lust. I cannot hide and fall once more within myself. Let the world hold on to me, else I know I shall slip away. So cold outside, yet burning within. Passionate eyes mirrored by wondering stars, tinged faintly with amusement. They do not much care for eternity; they too know the joy of falling, giving in for one precious moment to all the pain and sorrow of life but only to know the joys and elations hidden within. The embers never die, I hold them close and pray to know again the joy of falling through Time. O.o And this is what happens when I've got writer's block. Sometimes I'm too weird for my own good. 1 comment|post comment

Touch a Dream [10 Jul 2002|05:52pm] [ mood | creative ] [ music | Goo Goo Dolls - Iris ] Touch a dream, feel it fall Lost through veiled eyes, wondering At its sudden Demise post comment

New Entry Time! [09 Jul 2002|12:31pm] [ mood | restless ] [ music | Linkin Park - In The End ] New entry time, and you know what that means! Now...if only you'll tell me... The days are beginning to blur together, a sign that I'm suffering from an acute lack of summertime stimuli. I'll recover just in time for school to start. Tah. To recap the week: My mom's agreed to drive and chaperone our ShoujoCon expedition. Whoop te do. At least there won't be as many people as we previously expected. Alison doesn't want to go, so we don't have to worry about her. Yesterday's episode of Witchblade was rather disturbing. But it was better than some of the others have been. The second season isn't as good as the new season. At least the Powers That Be are listening to us, the fans, about certain changes they've made. Hopefully we can steer it back to the kicky show that it was in its first season. Not that I mind *all* the changes...but some of them are a bit too drastic for my taste. TNT cut the paychecks, or so I've heard, which is stupid. Hopefully they shall learn from their mistake. I finished Jitterbug Perfume today. What a book! It was fantastic, marvelously funny...Effin' ponderous and everything. My only regret is that I didn't read it when my father first offered it to me. There are so many things I would have liked to ask him in reference to the book...The significance of beets, of perfume...Alas. Great Pan is dead, as well...I would prefer to be an immortalist, myself. Alobar had the right idea. As Priscilla stated (while under the influence of Dr. Wiggs Dannyboy), "To be or not to be isn't the question. The question is how to prolong being." post comment

*blink* [04 Jul 2002|09:10am] I *KNOW* you're OUT THERE! Think you can HIDE, don't you??? HA! post comment

Random randomosity. [03 Jul 2002|10:58am] [ mood | quixotic ] [ music | Aerosmith - Sunshine ] Welcome to random randomosity day. Today we shall make no sense whatsoever. Random thing #1: Our feet smell. Stupid sandals. Random thing #2: It's hot outside. Random thing #3: Elijah Wood is a sexy bitch. Random thing #4: Everybody lies about sex. Random thing #5: The carpet is green. Righty-o. Summer school was another drag today. Still, I can't complain - I got myself into this mess, after all. And we haven't had any homework yet. Also, I found out that it's only Monday through Thursday, so that's a BIG relief. Fridays off is nice. I had forgotten about that, yep yep...But then, last summer didn't have a whole lot of stuff I felt like remembering. Tah...Lindsay and I have decided that rather then a roadtrip after senior year we would prefer to go to Europe. I would prefer to go to Europe, as well, but the financial aspects of it are mindboggling. Suspect we may have to join the girlscouts in an attempt to lower the cost. Scary. In other news...there is no other news. Oh, wait. Random Other News: Anthony Cistaro is hot. And supremely talented. And I wish he was still on Witchblade. Kenneth Irons is such an incredible antagonist. "Villain" is a term that does not do justice to his performance. So many levels to the character, such a subtle, cunning manner about him. *sighs* Ok. I guess that's it for today's random randomosity. I'll try and do one every week, I suppose. Tah! Random Quote: All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream post comment

Last one, really... [15 Jun 2002|09:05am] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Shrek soundtrack - Hallelujah ] You are discontent with life and with yourself. You wish it would all go away. In order to prevent spiraling down into a deep pit of despair, you have learned to become apathetic, letting the world go by as though you are not even a part of it. You need to learn to seek yourself and not dwell on all that is wrong with the world. Your song is: Losing Time Which degree of inner turbulence are you? This quiz was made by Dionae post comment

Alright just one more... [15 Jun 2002|09:00am] Take The Ewan McGregor Test! post comment

One more time now! [15 Jun 2002|08:45am] [ mood | mischievous ] [ music | Steve Burns - My Eyes Are Full ] What Type of Villain are You? mutedfaith.com / <º> post comment

More funzies! [15 Jun 2002|08:26am] [ mood | giggly ] [ music | Aerosmith - Sunshine ] Which Alan Rickman Character Are You? post comment

Teehee! [15 Jun 2002|08:10am] [ mood | silly ] [ music | DMB - Jimi Thing ] Take the What Color Dragon Should You Ride? Quiz Made By: myway and teza The Vague But Nice Quiz by blusteryvirgin Take the World of Darkness Quiz by David J Rust post comment

Heehee! [29 May 2002|03:15pm] [ mood | jubilant ] [ music | Steve Burns - My Eyes Are Full ] I downloaded another of Steve's songs off Audiogalaxy today. Me likey very much! They have a nice sound to them, leastways I think so. I've discovered that I am not alone in my strange infatuation; I have Lindsay and Angie to commiserate with! But we always commiserate over older guys we want and can't have (and they're always famous in some way. Oh the unfairness). Ewan, Billy, the list is endless. Why shouldn't we add Steve to it? My thoughts exactly! Today's just been another day among others, nothing really makes it stand out. Of course, that's infinitely better than something horrible happening, isn't it? I thought so. Yesterday I wrote two poems in one night! It seems to have sapped my creative juices for the rest of the week, but that's alright by me. They're good poems, I think. JP said it seemed as though I was finding my voice as a writer. I didn't realize until slightly later that he said exactly what I had been thinking in a small part of my mind. Every time I tried to write, well, a more "traditional" poem it never came out quite right. There are a few exceptions, but overall they never meant much to me. These new paragraph-poems, or prose as Nella calls them, could very well be my 'voice'. I hope so. I like this voice, this part of me, and I'm not going to change it for anyone! post comment

Idiot child. [24 May 2002|07:06pm] [ mood | mischievous ] [ music | Cirque du Soleil - La Nouba, "Porte" ] This is what I received in my email today: alright u made ur point already, but insulting each other isn't going 2 solve anything, and really, i'm surprised that you could come up with such "big" words, jeez, your the most rudest person ever, and if i ever see u in real life, i am gonna shove my foot so far up ur ass, you'll be sucking on my toes 'till you die, and if anyone here is the bitch its you. there are some ppl taht think that those stories are nasty, and some think that they r a way of life, but we r those 2 different ppl. in my country, freedom of opinion is aloud, and i don't kno wut country u r from, or even wut planet, becuz, read the other reviews for that stupid bitch, they thought it was funny, so apparently u have no sense of humor!!!!so, stay out of my way, cuz u ain't got shit on me. and 1 more thing, u don't kno who ur messin with. Lita Jolie Whoever Lita Jolie is, I pray that one day she discovers a spellchecker or a dictionary. Or maybe the Mighty God of Grammar. This chick has sent me two flaming emails now, and I've taken an unholy amount of pleasure in patronizing her in my responses. It must take her forever to think up these "clever" rejoinders. It only takes me a few minutes to rip them to shreds. Hehe. I hope she'll deign to send me another of these little gems. I can use the amusement. 1 comment|post comment

Episode II was great! [17 May 2002|04:31pm] [ mood | jubilant ] [ music | DMB - Dreams of Our Fathers ] It kicked so much ass! Infinitely better than Episode I (though admittedly, it didn't have to be very good at all to surpass that disaster), just as I knew it would be. Bright explosions and funny moments mixed together into a very entertaining movie. The only part I wasn't particularly fond of was what we called, "the sound of music" sequence - Amidala and Anakin frolicking through the fields of Naboo, falling in love. I realize it was somewhat necessary to explain their relationship and eventual marriage (how stupid would it have been if Amidala just showed up and was all, "Heeeey! Ani!! You turned out hot, let's get married!" Ewan McGregor: Hot. Really, really hot. REALLY GODDAMN FRELLING HOT! He really looked like a young Obi wan, too. Much kicking of ass. Very good. Me likey. Mace Windu: Ok, this man just kicks ass. He exudes cool-ness. Yoda: Don't MAKE me go all Yoda on yo' ass! The Yoda-Dooku fight scene at the end of the movie was arguably one of the best scenes in the movie. People have been waiting 22 years to see Yoda fight. And when he does, man! Does he kick ass! Seriously...you never really get a sense of just how powerful he really is. This movie showed it perfectly. Although now we're all wondering: just why exactly does he use that cane, anyway? Anakin: Not surprisingly, he was whiney and arrogant. But methinks Hayden managed to pull it off well enough. He managed to kick a pretty fair amount of ass until he got his arm cut off...Ouchies. I'm afraid I've fallen into the pit of those who find him very attractive. Oh well. I'm game for a Jedi-threesome. Amidala: Greatly improved from the big-dress-weird-makeup Queen thing. Her character has evolved a great deal, and has developed that whole tough, fighting-girl Princess Leia thing. Very good. Glad to see some female characters kicking ass. Final verdict: Much ass-kicking in this movie. Me likey. Me approve. Me see again. *drools over segzay Jedi knights* post comment

Heheheh [09 May 2002|06:04pm] AAthelas: i know. i dont care. you are a taurus and we taureans are naturaly smarter, prettier, wiser, and braver than everybody else. you did what you did so now you just have to drag the shit out of the closet and fix it. i have never been wrong about a person and i know you are naturally smart. post comment

Idle Musings, Miscellaneous Ramblings... [08 May 2002|02:44pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | Dave Matthews Band - Two Step ] Well, another day, another trial, another damnable tribulation. Today it was a fight with Rosemary/Mineka. And a most ridiculous affair, at that! I would recount it except I've already told everyone who would listen - Jeylan, Melanie, Peggy, Mike, my sister, my mother...the list is long and I am tired of typing the same story over and over again. Suffice it to say that her behavior was childish, completely immature, very spoiled and unbelievably self-centered. I have no time to waste on bratty temper tantrums; as far as I'm concerned, I'm through with her. Admittedly, this will make things very awkward for everyone, so I'm willing to let it go if a major apology is offered. I did nothing to warrant such an attitude from her. That's that. According to Erin, the bunny that JP and Jared adopted is still alive and kicking...I still find it amusing that they're keeping the little critter in the dorm with them. Erin says it's a very friendly little bunny, and it eats a lot. Well, it's a baby bunny...I suppose it figures that it would eat a lot. I wonder what they'll do with it when it stops being a baby bunny...? Alison really ought to come home soon...if she's late, I'm going to whoop her ass - she needs to clean up the bird feathers in the garage from where her cat massacred some innocent avian creature. He must've caught it in the middle of the night and brought it back inside. Spunky is quite a wily cat - my mom said that she didn't even hear him come in through the door. He jumped up to the balcony with the bird in his mouth and brought it inside, then downstairs. Doubtless the other resident felines aided in tearing off the feathers, but as the hunter, Spunky is responsible for the mess. Thus, Alison is responsible for cleaning it up. I'll be damned before I vacuum the living room and the garage, both. I'm instituting a house-wide search for my CDs...Recently my mother and sister cleaned up the living room, and I haven't been able to find all of my CDs since. I've got most of my Dave Matthews accounted for, as well as my Baroque Melodies, Phantom of the Opera, The Producers...but I can't find Renaissance or Loreena McKennitt. Perhaps my mom took back the latter (as they belong to her), but the former ought to be in its case in my bedside table drawer. Surprise surprise, it isn't there. Mayhap it's hiding in my desk. I'll go look for it later on. post comment

Effin' Ponderous... [07 May 2002|03:34pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Smashing Pumpkins - Disarm ] "...the America of my time line is a laboratory example of what can happen to democracies, what has eventually happened to all perfect democracies throughout all histories. A perfect democracy, a 'warm body' democracy in which every adult may vote and all votes count equally, has no internal feedback for self-correction. It depends solely on the wisdom and self-restraint of citizens...which is opposed by the folly and lack of self-restraint of other citizens. What is supposed to happen in a democracy is that each sovereign citizen will always vote in the public interest for the safety and welfare of all. But what does happen is that he votes in his own self-interest as he sees it...which for the majority translates as 'Bread and Circuses.' "'Bread and Circuses' is the cancer of democracy, the fatal disease for which there is no cure. Democracy often works beautifully at first. But once a state extends the franchise to every warm body, be he producer or parasite, that day marks the beginning of the end of the state. For when the plebs discover that they can vote themselves bread and circuses without limit and that the productive members of the body politic cannot stop them, they will do so, until the state bleeds to death, or in its weakened condition the state succumbs to an invader - the barbarians enter Rome." "Mine was a lovely world - until the parasites took over." --Jubal Harshaw, To Sail Beyond the Sunset, by Robert Heinlein post comment

Grr... [05 May 2002|06:03am] I hate allergies. Make me all itchy. Damn allergies. post comment

Damn SAT's [03 May 2002|05:38pm] [ mood | grumpy ] Bah. I have to take the SAT tomorrow. Grr. post comment

Sam and Frodo, baby! [26 Apr 2002|02:55pm] post comment

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